Mule
04-07-2008, 09:55 PM
Title: The Portal
Author: Mule
Series: TOS
Rating: PG-13
Codes: K, S, Mc, Sc
Part: 1 of 1
Summary: Kirk & Company on an away mission. A complete lampoon.
This is a work of parody. Paramount Studios owns all the rights to the
characters and the Star Trek Universe itself! It is my intention to
poke fun at those characters for my own enjoyment, and (I hope) the
enjoyment of others.
The Portal
"Well Spock, tell me what this new discovery is that you are ranting
about?"
"You may be my captain, but I fail to see why I have to endure your
insults. We Vulcans do not rant."
"Lighten up. It's just a figure of speech."
"I know it is Jim, but there is a perverse logical pleasure in seeing
you squirm."
McCoy was never too patient with his shipmates' bantering, "What is it
with you guys? Can't you get through a day without trying to get the
drop on each other?"
"Bones has a point there, Spock. We have some serious business here.
What is this discovery you're raving about?"
Spock dismissed the deliberate bait with the slightest flicker of an
eye brow. "There have been a number of fascinating archeological finds
on Ursa Proxima Three. It seems that the ancient inhabitants of the
planet were not as primitive as we originally thought."
"I never did understand the subtleties of archeology. Take it easy on
my brain with your explanation, Spock."
"Our scientific crew analyzed a device uncovered by the archeological
teams. It is a two thousand kilogram platinum-iridium cube with a 3
meter diameter cylinder bored through it along each axis."
"Two-thousand-kilogram?
"Plus or minus an attogram or two."
"Platinum-Iridium?"
"75.3 Percent Platinum - 24.7 Percent Iridium, plus less than a
fraction of a percent of trace impurities."
"Cylindrical holes?"
"To within less than one millionth of a percent eccentricity."
"I'd like to think that if I had come across this device, I'd be smart
enough to recognize it as not an artifact of a primitive civilization.
What was its purpose?"
"The 'artifact' has the ability to focus gravitational waves in much
the same way as a lens focuses and concentrates light. The resulting
gravitational well is deep enough not only to distort but to actually
puncture space-time, resulting in a rift that can be exploited by a
culture with a predilection for temporal displacement."
"Which when you translate it from the Vulcan into English means?"
"It means he's discovered another one of those God-damned time
portals" McCoy interrupted. "Why is it that these things are littering
up the galaxy all over the place? I mean if time travel just a simple
matter of slingshotting around the sun why do they build these
contraptions? By the way, I always forget, is it spring ahead, fall
back or what? I can never for the life of me figure out which way to
go around to go back in time or go back to the present."
"Which is why we keep you in sick bay, and keep your hands off the
helm," Kirk quipped.
"I'd be happy to explain the principles of temporal mechanics to you,
doctor," Spock offered.
"Right after I teach you self-appendectomy."
"I believe that would be a rather painful procedure considering the
organ's proximity to the gonads in the Vulcan anatomy."
"Not half as painful as what I'll do to you if you try to teach me
temporal mechanics."
Now it was Jim's turn to laugh, "And you accused me of trying to get
the drop on Spock. Let's face it Bones, when it comes to brains, Spock
is the fastest gun in the galaxy." Turning to his first officer he
asked, "What else can you tell us about this device?"
"We were able to unearth some petroglyphs that accompanied the portal.
It was apparently invented by a scientist named Peabody and his
assistant, Sherman who referred to their creation as the 'way back'
machine. I have tasked linguistics to look into the exact meaning of
this term."
Kirk looked into the triangular shaped box in the center of the table
and spoke to it, "Kirk to bridge."
Spock reached over and punched off the mute button, suppressing as
only a Vulcan can, a smirk.
The captain felt it anyway, flushed and repeated, "Kirk to bridge."
"Uhura here captain,"
"Uhura? What are you doing answering this call? I want to set up an
away mission. Don't you people know that the correct person always
answers the intercom? If I intended to contact another spaceship then
you should have answered. Put Chekov on."
"I'm sorry, captain, but Chekov isn't here now."
"What do you mean he's not there?"
"Well sir, he had to, you know, um …"
"Don't tell me he's in the 'little cosmonaut's room' again?"
"You didn't hear it from me, captain."
"What does he do in there all the time?"
"I'd rather not speculate on that, sir. Not all of the crew get it off
with women as often as you do."
Apparently Chekov arrived back on the bridge just then. Kirk could
hear his comm officer's voice, "It's for you. It's the old man and is
he majorly pissed. Oh, and by the way, your flag is at half mast."
Uhura was as obviously challenged as her captain when it came to
understanding mute buttons.
"Chekov here, keptin."
"I'm going to leave all you junior officers in charge of the Starship
while I run off with Spock, Scotty and McCoy to go on an away mission.
While we're gone, don't hire anyone, don't fire anyone, don't buy or
sell any capital equipment and try not to start a war with the Klingon
Empire."
"Why do I have to go with you guys all the time?" Bones protested.
"Call it the curmudgeon factor, Bones. Besides we always lose a couple
of redshirts on these missions, and I don't have the medical knowledge
to pronounce them deceased."
"That's it? You bring me along just to hear those three words?"
"That's what you get for coming up with such classic quotable lines."
"Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not an epigramist!"
Kirk just jerked his thumb, "To the transporter room."
-=o=-
McCoy was still complaining as the away team materialized on the
planet below them. Spock stepped forward and scanned the area with his
tricorder. "Jim, why can't I get a blackberry like everyone else?"
"I'm working on that, Spock. I just can't seem to push the PO through
the CFO at Starfleet."
Spock seemed unmoved and just pointed, "This way."
The portal itself was a plain cube with holes bored in it. The control
panel itself was a literal outlandish contraption of haphazard levers
and dials.
"This is a great opportunity to do some historic research," Kirk
asked.
"You don't seriously intend on taking a time trip in this thing?"
McCoy put in.
"Of course I am, Bones. Our mission is to explore."
"Do you think this is wise, Captain?" the Vulcan said, "After all,
remember what happened the last time McCoy went time surfing."
"Listen to him, Jim. I told you it's a bad idea to take me along on
these missions."
"Chill out you guys. What's the worst that can happen?"
"A totally irreversible disruption of the space time continuum
destroying all life as we know it." Spock said with his usual dryness.
"See Bones, it's not that bad."
Knowing that they were not going to dissuade the captain's decision
they pressed on with McCoy asking, "So where do we go? Or maybe I
should ask, 'When do we go?'"
"Why don't we go where they went?" Kirk suggested, "Perhaps we can
even meet the great Peabody and Sherman themselves."
"According to the logbooks they left behind, the answer to both of the
doctor's questions would be April 11, 1969, New York City."
Kirk turned to his first officer and said, "Spock, set the wayback
machine to April 11, 1969, New York City."
Spock, having never seen the control panel before, immediately input
the settings.
MCCoy was amazed, "Spock, how do you do that?"
Spock merely shrugged a shoulder and said, "It's so easy a caveman can
do it."
"Let's say we go, gentlemen." Kirk suggested.
Jumping into the device with no trepidation at all, the four of them
emerged from what appeared to be a porcelain tiled wall. It never
occurred to them to question why the exits of these portals never
looked like the entrances. Presently a woman rounded a corner of the
wall, saw the men and screamed, "PERVERTS!" She hit Spock with her
purse. Spock swung his tricorder at her in retaliation.
Under the cover of Spock's flailing tricorder, the team fled from the
women's room and into the terminal at Kennedy Airport.
"What went wrong, Spock?"
"I must have misread the glyphs on the wayback machine. Apparently
what I mistook for an assembly point where people migrate in pairs and
threes to converse was actually a sanitary facility."
Kirk looked at McCoy.
"Don't look at me, Jim. I can't translate him all the time."
Scotty put in, "There's no doubt about it. If Uhura were here she'd a
given him a 'I told ye so' for not askin' directions."
"Now what?" McCoy said.
"We make our way into Manhattan," Kirk offered.
"That's going to take money. Tell me you left your wallet in your
other pants again," McCoy complained.
Kirk just looked at him but said nothing. "After several moments of
silence he finally asked, "Ideas, gentlemen?"
Spock said, "Allow me."
Several minutes later Spock pulled up to the curb, pushed open the
door on the car and said, "Hop in gentlemen. This is a loading zone
only."
"How'd you do it Spock?" Kirk asked.
Spock handed him the parker's half of a claim ticket for valet
parking.
"You stole a man's car?" Bones said.
"Don't worry about it, doctor. The police will give the owner precise
instructions to the impound yard where he can pick it up after we park
it in mid-town."
Scotty nodded, "Aye. Well it's still cheaper than parking at the
airport."
If there was a good reason for not letting McCoy at the helm of a
starship, there was even better reason for not letting Spock behind
the wheel of a car. Kirk made the trip with eyes bulging wide with
fear. McCoy made the trip with his eyes clinched closed, refusing to
stare death in the face. Scotty unabashedly emptied the contents of
several of his hidden hip flasks.
Enduring threats shouted at them in Farsi, Hindi and several other
exotic languages from various cab drivers, Spock continued to test the
theory that more than one solid object could not occupy the same space
at the same time. The elaborate hand gestures that other motorists
used to signal their intentions towards the frantic foursome did not
require the use of the universal translator to comprehend. Spock
evaded the police escort that they had picked up along the way and
eventually navigated his somewhat battered craft and frazzled
passengers into the canyons that made up midtown Manhattan.
After stumbling out of the car onto all fours, McCoy kissed the
ground, spat out a cigarette butt, and said, "Now what?"
"Why do you keep asking me that question?"
"Well you ARE the captain."
"Yeah, but Spock's better at the idea game than I am. What about it
Spock; where should we look first?"
"If I were a world famous inventor and his assistant, I would probably
make my way to one of the great museums in the city."
"We're going to need money, Jim. Are you planning on selling your
glasses again?" McCoy asked.
"I doubt that the glasses would raise the funds sufficient for this
expedition." Spock put in.
The crew spent the rest of the afternoon scouring the back alleyways
and trash bins. In a move of fiscal austerity, the Star Fleet away
mission guide encouraged the practice of scrounge and barter while on
travel status. At the end of the day, they managed to find a number of
electrical appliances that Spock and Scotty were able to repair with
spare parts from their other devices. The warp drive can opener had a
lot of promise but the phaser toaster kept shooting holes in the pop
tarts and the brick wall behind it.
Sunset found them standing at the entrance of an alleyway enticing
passers-by. "Psst! Hey mister, you want a good deal on a TV set?
Trinitron - Full color. Tricorder compatible - It will even let you
watch your next door neighbor taking a shower."
They had just finished selling the last of their products when they
encountered a couple of scantily-clad women. One of sidled up to Kirk
and said, "Hey big boy. Want to party? I can take you on a trip
around the world. For 20 bucks more pops and the freak with the pointy
ears can watch."
McCoy spoke up, "Forget it Jim. With her, it's doubtful you'd find
anywhere that no man has gone before."
"Watch your lip, pops if you don't want me to fatten it for you. If
you ain't buying, get off our turf. You're cramping our style. This is
our corner. Get your own!"
The four men made their way to a fleabag hotel where they were able to
rent a room for the night.
McCoy did a quick scan of their room with his medical tricorder,
"There are multiple life forms in the vicinity, mostly in the walls:.
some of them rather large. I don't know about you guys, but I'm taking
my phaser with me to the bathroom."
The men settled down to their diverse entertainments for the evening.
Scotty was hitting on a bottle of Thunderbird he found during the
scrounging expedition. McCoy dozed off. Spock did a mind meld with
some of the life forms and soon had a chorus line doing a six-legged
version of the can-can. Kirk opted to watch TV until he mistook his
phaser for the remote.
Prior to disintegrating the television, they were able to watch
several shows. There was one that featured a family from West Virginia
that was transplanted to Southern California. Kirk was amazed that the
inhabitants of California Island hadn't changed much at all in the
several intervening centuries. Another show featured two wannabe
playboys who hosted a variety show of slapstick "schticks" - "Sock it
to me" seemed to be the key phrase. The 20th century's attempt at
humor was lost on the time travelers.
The program that interested them the most, however was a science
fiction program about space travel that, in spite of the wooden acting
on the part of the character playing the captain, they found quite,
as Spock put it, "fascinating." They were immediately dismayed when
they found out that the show was being considered for cancellation.
"Gentlemen, we have a new mission. This show must … be … saved," Kirk
said pounding the coffee table with his fist as he bit off each
syllable. A flurry of cockroaches who had previously sought refuge
under the table, fled for their lives.
"There goes the Prime Directive again!" McCoy bemused.
"Get a life. It's just a TV show."
"With you, Jim, everything becomes bigger than life," the doctor
added.
"I'm not one that's well acquainted with this ancient technology,"
Scotty admitted. "How are we goin ta do that?"
"I was thinking that Spock could use that mind trick on the network
executives."
"I think you're mixing metaphors again, Jim," McCoy said. "The Force
won't be around for another 15 years or so."
"I think he's referring to the Vulcan Mind Meld, doctor."
"I know what he meant, Spock. I just like to pick on him when he muffs
a line."
"Ah! 'Getting the drop on him' as you were explaining before."
"Gentlemen, would you please stop talking about me as if I weren't
here?" Kirk protested.
Spock ignored him, "At any rate doctor, the mind meld needs an
intelligence on which to work. That quality is singularly absent in
network executives."
"Then how are we going to deal with them?"
"It depends on exploiting a human weakness." Spock said. "Not being
subject to these weaknesses I am in a poor position to make a
suggestion. We need to engage a person who is acquainted with these
weaknesses on a more personal level."
Spock, Scotty and McCoy looked at the captain.
"What?" Kirk responded.
"I got an idea," Scotty put in, "Instead of using it to swat roaches,
maybe this book can help," he said waiving a copy of Gideon's Bible.
Spock thumbed through the book in about 10 seconds and announced,
"This book seems to contain a checklist of human weaknesses: Lust,
Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride. It's just a matter of
picking which one would work best."
McCoy stroked his chin, "I don't know, Spock. With top executives,
it's difficult to pick just one from that list."
"And just how d'ja think we're gonna get in?" Scotty asked.
-=o=-
The following day found Scotty with a black mustache, dressed in a
one-piece jump suit with the name "Garcia" embroidered on a patch on
his chest. As he walked into the executive offices he announced,
"Senorita, I'm hirr ta clean ya windahs."
Scotty went through the motions of washing the windows and waited
until the desk was unattended and then penciled in an appointment for
"Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Associates."
He clicked his communicator and said, "It's done, you're all set up
for 10 AM." At that point the receptionist walked back in and asked,
"Who ya tawking to?"
"Er, just checkin' in with thah missus on the cell phone."
"Cell phone?"
"Um, just ferget it."
Nonetheless she looked at him dubiously as he left the office.
By the time he made it back to the hotel, Scotty had made a couple of
extra bucks by catching some windshields of cars stopped for red
lights along the way. He realized that according to the Star Fleet
guidelines on travel and per diem, that he'd have to split the profits
with the company.
-=o=-
Kirk, Spock and McCoy walk into the NBC offices and announce, "We're
here to see Mr. Werner."
The gum-chewing receptionist said, "Let me check my book. Oh yeah.
Have a seat right over there. Mr. Werner will be with you in a bit."
Several moments later the intercom buzzed, The receptionist looked at
the box and said "hello." The box buzzed again, and she said "hello"
again. This happened several more times. Presently a man came out of
an office, leaned over the desk, pointed and said, "Mrs. Hawiggons,
that button there. Press it!" She did and said, "Hello?" She turned
back to her boss and said, "No one's there."
The man stood up, rolled his eyes and motioned for the trio to follow
him. The men followed him to his office with Kirk elbowing Spock and
saying, "See, I told you those things are complicated."
Mr. Werner invited the men to sit as he reclined behind a desk the
size of a World War II aircraft carrier. The posh leather chair nearly
enveloped him like an overgrown hungry amoeba. "Speak!" he said as if
ordering a dog to perform a trick.
Kirk cleared his throat and began, "Mr. Wener, it has come to our
attention that you are considering canceling the Star Trek series."
"Yes, it has run its course. We need to replace it with something that
is more contemporary, more upbeat."
"But the fans?"
"What fans? They'll forget about the program two weeks after it's off
the air. Nobody will even remember it in a year. When you say 'Star
Trek' they'll say, 'Star what? Isn't that that Ringo guy from the
Beatles?'"
"But what about the inspiration the program provides? Here mankind is
on the verge of landing on the moon and you would undermine that
enthusiasm."
"Moon landings? Those are just a flash in the pan. Once we do it once
or twice, interest will drop off."
"Surely you can't mean that?"
"Mark my words, gentlemen. I know about what viewers want." He paused
and sighed wistfully, "If only I could have gotten one more season out
of 'My Mother the Car;' it would have been a smash hit."
"But …"
"No buts, gentlemen. Now if you were a sponsor willing to pour
millions into the program, I might be disposed to change my mind."
"Ah, greed." Spock observed.
The executive addressed Kirk, "What did your Chinese friend say?"
Thinking quickly Kirk responded, "It's an ancient Chinese word meaning
'You are wise in financial matters.'"
"So if you don't have money, what do you have to offer me."
"Technology! We can show you technology that will make viewers want to
watch the show to see what neat things will come up in the next
episode. Bones, why don't you do a medical scan on Mr. Werner?"
The doctor took out his instrument and waved it in front of the
befuddled executive.
"What is that thing? What is he doing?"
McCoy answered him, "It a medical analyzer. You are in general good
health with the exception that you cut yourself shaving this morning.
If you check you will see that the wound has been healed."
Spock reached into his tricorder bag and pulled out a mirror.
"Does he always carry a purse?" the executive asked.
"It comes in handy," Kirk added on his friend's behalf.
Mr. Werner looked at his face in the mirror, "Well, I'm still not
impressed. The darned thing looks like a salt shaker!"
"We have other technology we can give you. Technology that will
project images and keep you from having to build sets."
"You want to make movie sets out of smoke and mirrors see
what's-his-name? That Lucas guy down the hall."
"But …: Kirk began.
The executive cut him off. "Look gentlemen, I've got a busy schedule.
I have a concept for a new show called 'Saturday Night Live' hosted by
Howard Cosell.
Back on the street, Kirk turned to his fellow travelers, "Well, our
work here is done."
"What do you mean?" McCoy asked. "We haven't accomplished anything."
"Au contraire, mon frere. I had Spock mark the coordinates of the
office safe. When we get back we'll use the wayback machine to send
back a script for a movie based on the TV program."
"What now, Jim?"
"We go back home while we still have a ship to go back to. Remember, I
left Chekov, Sulu and Uhura in charge."
"Do not worry, captain. We will emerge from the way back machine at
precisely the same time that we entered it. I doubt that they would
have much time to do much damage."
'You underestimate them, Spock," Kirk laughed.
Later on in the hotel room they made their plans for return.
"We're going to have to get back to the portal," Spock observed.
"Given its location and our gender, this may be a difficult
proposition."
"Then I propose we dress appropriately," Kirk suggested.
After another dumpster diving derby in the back alleyways the away
team merged looking like the four ugliest women in America or the
planet or the galaxy or the universe or the universe next door.
McCoy did a pirouette, "Does this make me look fat?"
Spock replied, "In my extensive studies into female psychology, I have
yet to determine whether that question should be considered
rhetorical. There appears to be no correct answer."
"Don't go there, Bones," Kirk warned.
McCoy laughed as he looked at Spock, "You really have to learn to
accessorize better. Those shoes absolutely clash with your tricorder."
Spock merely lifted his chin and arched an eyebrow.
Kirk, tugging at the hem of his skirt complained, "It's sure drafty.
Are you sure we got this right, Scotty?"
"There's only one proper way ta wear a kilt!"
"Does anyone even remember precisely where the portal is? We did leave
under duress, and I failed to mark the spot accurately."
"Ah know tha terminal, but I canna remember exactly what ladies room
it was."
The team tried several women's rooms, running into the walls until
they found the correct portal.
Upon emerging from the portal, they ran into a woman who said, "You
too? I don't know what happened. I leaned against the wall to fix a
strap on my shoe and …" Kirk and company looked up. There were dozens
of women wandering around in apparent confusion.
"Apparently we failed to lock the door," a cross-dressed Spock
observed.
Author: Mule
Series: TOS
Rating: PG-13
Codes: K, S, Mc, Sc
Part: 1 of 1
Summary: Kirk & Company on an away mission. A complete lampoon.
This is a work of parody. Paramount Studios owns all the rights to the
characters and the Star Trek Universe itself! It is my intention to
poke fun at those characters for my own enjoyment, and (I hope) the
enjoyment of others.
The Portal
"Well Spock, tell me what this new discovery is that you are ranting
about?"
"You may be my captain, but I fail to see why I have to endure your
insults. We Vulcans do not rant."
"Lighten up. It's just a figure of speech."
"I know it is Jim, but there is a perverse logical pleasure in seeing
you squirm."
McCoy was never too patient with his shipmates' bantering, "What is it
with you guys? Can't you get through a day without trying to get the
drop on each other?"
"Bones has a point there, Spock. We have some serious business here.
What is this discovery you're raving about?"
Spock dismissed the deliberate bait with the slightest flicker of an
eye brow. "There have been a number of fascinating archeological finds
on Ursa Proxima Three. It seems that the ancient inhabitants of the
planet were not as primitive as we originally thought."
"I never did understand the subtleties of archeology. Take it easy on
my brain with your explanation, Spock."
"Our scientific crew analyzed a device uncovered by the archeological
teams. It is a two thousand kilogram platinum-iridium cube with a 3
meter diameter cylinder bored through it along each axis."
"Two-thousand-kilogram?
"Plus or minus an attogram or two."
"Platinum-Iridium?"
"75.3 Percent Platinum - 24.7 Percent Iridium, plus less than a
fraction of a percent of trace impurities."
"Cylindrical holes?"
"To within less than one millionth of a percent eccentricity."
"I'd like to think that if I had come across this device, I'd be smart
enough to recognize it as not an artifact of a primitive civilization.
What was its purpose?"
"The 'artifact' has the ability to focus gravitational waves in much
the same way as a lens focuses and concentrates light. The resulting
gravitational well is deep enough not only to distort but to actually
puncture space-time, resulting in a rift that can be exploited by a
culture with a predilection for temporal displacement."
"Which when you translate it from the Vulcan into English means?"
"It means he's discovered another one of those God-damned time
portals" McCoy interrupted. "Why is it that these things are littering
up the galaxy all over the place? I mean if time travel just a simple
matter of slingshotting around the sun why do they build these
contraptions? By the way, I always forget, is it spring ahead, fall
back or what? I can never for the life of me figure out which way to
go around to go back in time or go back to the present."
"Which is why we keep you in sick bay, and keep your hands off the
helm," Kirk quipped.
"I'd be happy to explain the principles of temporal mechanics to you,
doctor," Spock offered.
"Right after I teach you self-appendectomy."
"I believe that would be a rather painful procedure considering the
organ's proximity to the gonads in the Vulcan anatomy."
"Not half as painful as what I'll do to you if you try to teach me
temporal mechanics."
Now it was Jim's turn to laugh, "And you accused me of trying to get
the drop on Spock. Let's face it Bones, when it comes to brains, Spock
is the fastest gun in the galaxy." Turning to his first officer he
asked, "What else can you tell us about this device?"
"We were able to unearth some petroglyphs that accompanied the portal.
It was apparently invented by a scientist named Peabody and his
assistant, Sherman who referred to their creation as the 'way back'
machine. I have tasked linguistics to look into the exact meaning of
this term."
Kirk looked into the triangular shaped box in the center of the table
and spoke to it, "Kirk to bridge."
Spock reached over and punched off the mute button, suppressing as
only a Vulcan can, a smirk.
The captain felt it anyway, flushed and repeated, "Kirk to bridge."
"Uhura here captain,"
"Uhura? What are you doing answering this call? I want to set up an
away mission. Don't you people know that the correct person always
answers the intercom? If I intended to contact another spaceship then
you should have answered. Put Chekov on."
"I'm sorry, captain, but Chekov isn't here now."
"What do you mean he's not there?"
"Well sir, he had to, you know, um …"
"Don't tell me he's in the 'little cosmonaut's room' again?"
"You didn't hear it from me, captain."
"What does he do in there all the time?"
"I'd rather not speculate on that, sir. Not all of the crew get it off
with women as often as you do."
Apparently Chekov arrived back on the bridge just then. Kirk could
hear his comm officer's voice, "It's for you. It's the old man and is
he majorly pissed. Oh, and by the way, your flag is at half mast."
Uhura was as obviously challenged as her captain when it came to
understanding mute buttons.
"Chekov here, keptin."
"I'm going to leave all you junior officers in charge of the Starship
while I run off with Spock, Scotty and McCoy to go on an away mission.
While we're gone, don't hire anyone, don't fire anyone, don't buy or
sell any capital equipment and try not to start a war with the Klingon
Empire."
"Why do I have to go with you guys all the time?" Bones protested.
"Call it the curmudgeon factor, Bones. Besides we always lose a couple
of redshirts on these missions, and I don't have the medical knowledge
to pronounce them deceased."
"That's it? You bring me along just to hear those three words?"
"That's what you get for coming up with such classic quotable lines."
"Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not an epigramist!"
Kirk just jerked his thumb, "To the transporter room."
-=o=-
McCoy was still complaining as the away team materialized on the
planet below them. Spock stepped forward and scanned the area with his
tricorder. "Jim, why can't I get a blackberry like everyone else?"
"I'm working on that, Spock. I just can't seem to push the PO through
the CFO at Starfleet."
Spock seemed unmoved and just pointed, "This way."
The portal itself was a plain cube with holes bored in it. The control
panel itself was a literal outlandish contraption of haphazard levers
and dials.
"This is a great opportunity to do some historic research," Kirk
asked.
"You don't seriously intend on taking a time trip in this thing?"
McCoy put in.
"Of course I am, Bones. Our mission is to explore."
"Do you think this is wise, Captain?" the Vulcan said, "After all,
remember what happened the last time McCoy went time surfing."
"Listen to him, Jim. I told you it's a bad idea to take me along on
these missions."
"Chill out you guys. What's the worst that can happen?"
"A totally irreversible disruption of the space time continuum
destroying all life as we know it." Spock said with his usual dryness.
"See Bones, it's not that bad."
Knowing that they were not going to dissuade the captain's decision
they pressed on with McCoy asking, "So where do we go? Or maybe I
should ask, 'When do we go?'"
"Why don't we go where they went?" Kirk suggested, "Perhaps we can
even meet the great Peabody and Sherman themselves."
"According to the logbooks they left behind, the answer to both of the
doctor's questions would be April 11, 1969, New York City."
Kirk turned to his first officer and said, "Spock, set the wayback
machine to April 11, 1969, New York City."
Spock, having never seen the control panel before, immediately input
the settings.
MCCoy was amazed, "Spock, how do you do that?"
Spock merely shrugged a shoulder and said, "It's so easy a caveman can
do it."
"Let's say we go, gentlemen." Kirk suggested.
Jumping into the device with no trepidation at all, the four of them
emerged from what appeared to be a porcelain tiled wall. It never
occurred to them to question why the exits of these portals never
looked like the entrances. Presently a woman rounded a corner of the
wall, saw the men and screamed, "PERVERTS!" She hit Spock with her
purse. Spock swung his tricorder at her in retaliation.
Under the cover of Spock's flailing tricorder, the team fled from the
women's room and into the terminal at Kennedy Airport.
"What went wrong, Spock?"
"I must have misread the glyphs on the wayback machine. Apparently
what I mistook for an assembly point where people migrate in pairs and
threes to converse was actually a sanitary facility."
Kirk looked at McCoy.
"Don't look at me, Jim. I can't translate him all the time."
Scotty put in, "There's no doubt about it. If Uhura were here she'd a
given him a 'I told ye so' for not askin' directions."
"Now what?" McCoy said.
"We make our way into Manhattan," Kirk offered.
"That's going to take money. Tell me you left your wallet in your
other pants again," McCoy complained.
Kirk just looked at him but said nothing. "After several moments of
silence he finally asked, "Ideas, gentlemen?"
Spock said, "Allow me."
Several minutes later Spock pulled up to the curb, pushed open the
door on the car and said, "Hop in gentlemen. This is a loading zone
only."
"How'd you do it Spock?" Kirk asked.
Spock handed him the parker's half of a claim ticket for valet
parking.
"You stole a man's car?" Bones said.
"Don't worry about it, doctor. The police will give the owner precise
instructions to the impound yard where he can pick it up after we park
it in mid-town."
Scotty nodded, "Aye. Well it's still cheaper than parking at the
airport."
If there was a good reason for not letting McCoy at the helm of a
starship, there was even better reason for not letting Spock behind
the wheel of a car. Kirk made the trip with eyes bulging wide with
fear. McCoy made the trip with his eyes clinched closed, refusing to
stare death in the face. Scotty unabashedly emptied the contents of
several of his hidden hip flasks.
Enduring threats shouted at them in Farsi, Hindi and several other
exotic languages from various cab drivers, Spock continued to test the
theory that more than one solid object could not occupy the same space
at the same time. The elaborate hand gestures that other motorists
used to signal their intentions towards the frantic foursome did not
require the use of the universal translator to comprehend. Spock
evaded the police escort that they had picked up along the way and
eventually navigated his somewhat battered craft and frazzled
passengers into the canyons that made up midtown Manhattan.
After stumbling out of the car onto all fours, McCoy kissed the
ground, spat out a cigarette butt, and said, "Now what?"
"Why do you keep asking me that question?"
"Well you ARE the captain."
"Yeah, but Spock's better at the idea game than I am. What about it
Spock; where should we look first?"
"If I were a world famous inventor and his assistant, I would probably
make my way to one of the great museums in the city."
"We're going to need money, Jim. Are you planning on selling your
glasses again?" McCoy asked.
"I doubt that the glasses would raise the funds sufficient for this
expedition." Spock put in.
The crew spent the rest of the afternoon scouring the back alleyways
and trash bins. In a move of fiscal austerity, the Star Fleet away
mission guide encouraged the practice of scrounge and barter while on
travel status. At the end of the day, they managed to find a number of
electrical appliances that Spock and Scotty were able to repair with
spare parts from their other devices. The warp drive can opener had a
lot of promise but the phaser toaster kept shooting holes in the pop
tarts and the brick wall behind it.
Sunset found them standing at the entrance of an alleyway enticing
passers-by. "Psst! Hey mister, you want a good deal on a TV set?
Trinitron - Full color. Tricorder compatible - It will even let you
watch your next door neighbor taking a shower."
They had just finished selling the last of their products when they
encountered a couple of scantily-clad women. One of sidled up to Kirk
and said, "Hey big boy. Want to party? I can take you on a trip
around the world. For 20 bucks more pops and the freak with the pointy
ears can watch."
McCoy spoke up, "Forget it Jim. With her, it's doubtful you'd find
anywhere that no man has gone before."
"Watch your lip, pops if you don't want me to fatten it for you. If
you ain't buying, get off our turf. You're cramping our style. This is
our corner. Get your own!"
The four men made their way to a fleabag hotel where they were able to
rent a room for the night.
McCoy did a quick scan of their room with his medical tricorder,
"There are multiple life forms in the vicinity, mostly in the walls:.
some of them rather large. I don't know about you guys, but I'm taking
my phaser with me to the bathroom."
The men settled down to their diverse entertainments for the evening.
Scotty was hitting on a bottle of Thunderbird he found during the
scrounging expedition. McCoy dozed off. Spock did a mind meld with
some of the life forms and soon had a chorus line doing a six-legged
version of the can-can. Kirk opted to watch TV until he mistook his
phaser for the remote.
Prior to disintegrating the television, they were able to watch
several shows. There was one that featured a family from West Virginia
that was transplanted to Southern California. Kirk was amazed that the
inhabitants of California Island hadn't changed much at all in the
several intervening centuries. Another show featured two wannabe
playboys who hosted a variety show of slapstick "schticks" - "Sock it
to me" seemed to be the key phrase. The 20th century's attempt at
humor was lost on the time travelers.
The program that interested them the most, however was a science
fiction program about space travel that, in spite of the wooden acting
on the part of the character playing the captain, they found quite,
as Spock put it, "fascinating." They were immediately dismayed when
they found out that the show was being considered for cancellation.
"Gentlemen, we have a new mission. This show must … be … saved," Kirk
said pounding the coffee table with his fist as he bit off each
syllable. A flurry of cockroaches who had previously sought refuge
under the table, fled for their lives.
"There goes the Prime Directive again!" McCoy bemused.
"Get a life. It's just a TV show."
"With you, Jim, everything becomes bigger than life," the doctor
added.
"I'm not one that's well acquainted with this ancient technology,"
Scotty admitted. "How are we goin ta do that?"
"I was thinking that Spock could use that mind trick on the network
executives."
"I think you're mixing metaphors again, Jim," McCoy said. "The Force
won't be around for another 15 years or so."
"I think he's referring to the Vulcan Mind Meld, doctor."
"I know what he meant, Spock. I just like to pick on him when he muffs
a line."
"Ah! 'Getting the drop on him' as you were explaining before."
"Gentlemen, would you please stop talking about me as if I weren't
here?" Kirk protested.
Spock ignored him, "At any rate doctor, the mind meld needs an
intelligence on which to work. That quality is singularly absent in
network executives."
"Then how are we going to deal with them?"
"It depends on exploiting a human weakness." Spock said. "Not being
subject to these weaknesses I am in a poor position to make a
suggestion. We need to engage a person who is acquainted with these
weaknesses on a more personal level."
Spock, Scotty and McCoy looked at the captain.
"What?" Kirk responded.
"I got an idea," Scotty put in, "Instead of using it to swat roaches,
maybe this book can help," he said waiving a copy of Gideon's Bible.
Spock thumbed through the book in about 10 seconds and announced,
"This book seems to contain a checklist of human weaknesses: Lust,
Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride. It's just a matter of
picking which one would work best."
McCoy stroked his chin, "I don't know, Spock. With top executives,
it's difficult to pick just one from that list."
"And just how d'ja think we're gonna get in?" Scotty asked.
-=o=-
The following day found Scotty with a black mustache, dressed in a
one-piece jump suit with the name "Garcia" embroidered on a patch on
his chest. As he walked into the executive offices he announced,
"Senorita, I'm hirr ta clean ya windahs."
Scotty went through the motions of washing the windows and waited
until the desk was unattended and then penciled in an appointment for
"Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Associates."
He clicked his communicator and said, "It's done, you're all set up
for 10 AM." At that point the receptionist walked back in and asked,
"Who ya tawking to?"
"Er, just checkin' in with thah missus on the cell phone."
"Cell phone?"
"Um, just ferget it."
Nonetheless she looked at him dubiously as he left the office.
By the time he made it back to the hotel, Scotty had made a couple of
extra bucks by catching some windshields of cars stopped for red
lights along the way. He realized that according to the Star Fleet
guidelines on travel and per diem, that he'd have to split the profits
with the company.
-=o=-
Kirk, Spock and McCoy walk into the NBC offices and announce, "We're
here to see Mr. Werner."
The gum-chewing receptionist said, "Let me check my book. Oh yeah.
Have a seat right over there. Mr. Werner will be with you in a bit."
Several moments later the intercom buzzed, The receptionist looked at
the box and said "hello." The box buzzed again, and she said "hello"
again. This happened several more times. Presently a man came out of
an office, leaned over the desk, pointed and said, "Mrs. Hawiggons,
that button there. Press it!" She did and said, "Hello?" She turned
back to her boss and said, "No one's there."
The man stood up, rolled his eyes and motioned for the trio to follow
him. The men followed him to his office with Kirk elbowing Spock and
saying, "See, I told you those things are complicated."
Mr. Werner invited the men to sit as he reclined behind a desk the
size of a World War II aircraft carrier. The posh leather chair nearly
enveloped him like an overgrown hungry amoeba. "Speak!" he said as if
ordering a dog to perform a trick.
Kirk cleared his throat and began, "Mr. Wener, it has come to our
attention that you are considering canceling the Star Trek series."
"Yes, it has run its course. We need to replace it with something that
is more contemporary, more upbeat."
"But the fans?"
"What fans? They'll forget about the program two weeks after it's off
the air. Nobody will even remember it in a year. When you say 'Star
Trek' they'll say, 'Star what? Isn't that that Ringo guy from the
Beatles?'"
"But what about the inspiration the program provides? Here mankind is
on the verge of landing on the moon and you would undermine that
enthusiasm."
"Moon landings? Those are just a flash in the pan. Once we do it once
or twice, interest will drop off."
"Surely you can't mean that?"
"Mark my words, gentlemen. I know about what viewers want." He paused
and sighed wistfully, "If only I could have gotten one more season out
of 'My Mother the Car;' it would have been a smash hit."
"But …"
"No buts, gentlemen. Now if you were a sponsor willing to pour
millions into the program, I might be disposed to change my mind."
"Ah, greed." Spock observed.
The executive addressed Kirk, "What did your Chinese friend say?"
Thinking quickly Kirk responded, "It's an ancient Chinese word meaning
'You are wise in financial matters.'"
"So if you don't have money, what do you have to offer me."
"Technology! We can show you technology that will make viewers want to
watch the show to see what neat things will come up in the next
episode. Bones, why don't you do a medical scan on Mr. Werner?"
The doctor took out his instrument and waved it in front of the
befuddled executive.
"What is that thing? What is he doing?"
McCoy answered him, "It a medical analyzer. You are in general good
health with the exception that you cut yourself shaving this morning.
If you check you will see that the wound has been healed."
Spock reached into his tricorder bag and pulled out a mirror.
"Does he always carry a purse?" the executive asked.
"It comes in handy," Kirk added on his friend's behalf.
Mr. Werner looked at his face in the mirror, "Well, I'm still not
impressed. The darned thing looks like a salt shaker!"
"We have other technology we can give you. Technology that will
project images and keep you from having to build sets."
"You want to make movie sets out of smoke and mirrors see
what's-his-name? That Lucas guy down the hall."
"But …: Kirk began.
The executive cut him off. "Look gentlemen, I've got a busy schedule.
I have a concept for a new show called 'Saturday Night Live' hosted by
Howard Cosell.
Back on the street, Kirk turned to his fellow travelers, "Well, our
work here is done."
"What do you mean?" McCoy asked. "We haven't accomplished anything."
"Au contraire, mon frere. I had Spock mark the coordinates of the
office safe. When we get back we'll use the wayback machine to send
back a script for a movie based on the TV program."
"What now, Jim?"
"We go back home while we still have a ship to go back to. Remember, I
left Chekov, Sulu and Uhura in charge."
"Do not worry, captain. We will emerge from the way back machine at
precisely the same time that we entered it. I doubt that they would
have much time to do much damage."
'You underestimate them, Spock," Kirk laughed.
Later on in the hotel room they made their plans for return.
"We're going to have to get back to the portal," Spock observed.
"Given its location and our gender, this may be a difficult
proposition."
"Then I propose we dress appropriately," Kirk suggested.
After another dumpster diving derby in the back alleyways the away
team merged looking like the four ugliest women in America or the
planet or the galaxy or the universe or the universe next door.
McCoy did a pirouette, "Does this make me look fat?"
Spock replied, "In my extensive studies into female psychology, I have
yet to determine whether that question should be considered
rhetorical. There appears to be no correct answer."
"Don't go there, Bones," Kirk warned.
McCoy laughed as he looked at Spock, "You really have to learn to
accessorize better. Those shoes absolutely clash with your tricorder."
Spock merely lifted his chin and arched an eyebrow.
Kirk, tugging at the hem of his skirt complained, "It's sure drafty.
Are you sure we got this right, Scotty?"
"There's only one proper way ta wear a kilt!"
"Does anyone even remember precisely where the portal is? We did leave
under duress, and I failed to mark the spot accurately."
"Ah know tha terminal, but I canna remember exactly what ladies room
it was."
The team tried several women's rooms, running into the walls until
they found the correct portal.
Upon emerging from the portal, they ran into a woman who said, "You
too? I don't know what happened. I leaned against the wall to fix a
strap on my shoe and …" Kirk and company looked up. There were dozens
of women wandering around in apparent confusion.
"Apparently we failed to lock the door," a cross-dressed Spock
observed.